Aubrey Rose Owen was born 10.6 oz, 9” at 3:43 AM. Her heart was beating around 32 bpm, but she could not breathe. Her heart continued to decline in beat to about 8 bpm, until the time the nurse noticed no beat at 4:43 AM. From Rosann: “Right after Aubrey was born, they cleaned her up and then I got to hold her. She was so tiny and cute. I was so tired and numb from the medication. I had a hard time holding her because of this. I handed her over to Pete to let him hold her.” From Pete: “When Aubrey was born, the nurses briefly cleaned her up then handed her to Rosann. I could tell the medication they gave Rosann beat her up and after a short time of holding her, Rosann handed her to me. I looked down at little Aubrey and gave her a name and a blessing. Even though the plan of Heavenly Father provided Aubrey with all of the blessings of this life, I felt prompted to do this. She was so light and fit nicely in my two hands. She was a baby, just a very tiny one. I began to look at all of her features and the first thing I noticed was that she had the ‘Owen nose’. She had the little slit in the nose that we all have and I found that to be very cute. I looked at her wrists, arms, and legs… she had inherited those from her mother. Even though she wasn’t completely developed, she had a ‘Goode shaped face’, that she got from Rosann’s mom’s side of the family. I imagine our little Aubrey as looking like her mother with my nose. That was a little weird to imagine. After thinking about Aubrey’s features, I pondered upon her going to the celestial kingdom and I thought ‘she is already there, we just need to get ourselves there’. After these thoughts, I wondered if she had died in my arms. A few minutes later, our nurse came into the room and took Aubrey from me to measure her heartbeat. It had decreased significantly, but was beating at about 8 bpm. Once the nurse left, two nurses came into the room to take pictures of our little family; they were somber pictures as one might imagine. After the nurses left, I knew Aubrey had a little heart beat and I felt like I should give her a father’s blessing. This would be the only one she would ever receive from me. I blessed her that her future husband would be an amazing person. I told her we would look forward to rearing her in the millennium and that her family was so blessed to have her. I also blessed her that her passing would be completely painless. After the blessing, I held Aubrey for a little while, I cannot remember all of my thoughts… but I do remember that many of them were focused on the Savior and his atonement. Shortly after these thoughts, the nurse returned and checked Aubrey’s heartbeat while in my arms.
She used the smallest little stethoscope I have ever seen. The nurse checked for two minutes and could not hear the heartbeat; our little Aubrey had died in my arms. She was now in the celestial kingdom. The nurse declared the time of death at 4:43 AM. After this, the nurse went to get the other two who would complete moldings and dress her up.
Rosann was not coherent, due to the medication, and I pondered more upon the experience. I never once asked why, I always asked ‘what does Heavenly Father want Rosann and I to learn from this experience? What does he want us to understand?’ I then began to think… so many people go through similar struggles and you have been blessed by all of the support, thoughts, and prayers from others. I knew we needed to be more conscientious of others from this point on. I knew we had the capacity to help others who were in mourning, I knew we could pray more for them, and I knew we could give back and be a support to them. Lastly, I again thought to myself. We need to make sure we are ready to return to the celestial kingdom. I want to be with my little Aubrey again.
A few minutes later, the nurses came in and we said goodbye to Aubrey. The staff planned to clean her up for some additional pictures and make some moldings of her feet and hands. When they finished, Rosann was still not feeling well, so I went into the room and took some pictures with Aubrey all dressed up beautifully. I am so grateful for the nurses and their being so sensitive to us throughout the experience.” From Rosann: “Right after I gave birth to our little angel, the nurses put me back on the magnesium. The first 6 to 12 hours were the worst. I felt very hot and nauseated. I was also very sensitive to light. I wanted a cloth over my eyes at all times. They also gave me oxygen. Apparently my breathing was slowing down. Even though I was exhausted, I was afraid to fall asleep, I wasn’t sure if I would wake up. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to leave Pete all alone. I said a lot of prayers to help me overcome my fear of dying in my sleep. I was able to fall asleep. Then around 9am the nurse woke me up. I asked for the oxygen to be taken off. Then the nurse told me that they would be moving me to a different room. She knew that there was no way I would be able to get up so they wheeled me out on the bed and transferred me to the new bed and the new room I would be staying in. This room would only be temporary though because it was near other rooms with mothers and babies and the nurses didn’t want me to have to hear babies crying. I was so hungry. Pete fed me some Italian ice and I ate as many graham crackers, saltine crackers, and jello that I could. These food items are the only things that I can keep down while I am on the magnesium. I also had the experience of using a bedpan this morning. I never hope to use one again. It was very uncomfortable on so many levels. I was very dizzy and was seeing double. We had a social worker come talk to us. I haven’t even started the grieving process. All this medication makes me feel numb. I am sure that I will cry about all this one day. Pete has had an emotional time today. It is so opposite of how Pete and I react to things. I am usually the one who is crying uncontrollably about whatever and Pete is so strong and never cries. The social worker told us that it is ok to cry. We should have special traditions to remember our daughter. Pete and I will always celebrate her birthday. This brings joy to me. Around 5pm they moved me to a different room. Each room seems smaller and smaller. It is starting to make me feel insane. Also I feel like I am in a coffin. I am constantly lying down and I haven’t sat up since yesterday afternoon. I am getting a lot better care though in the new room. They check on me every hour. They take my blood pressure and they check my reflexes to make sure that they aren’t giving me too much magnesium. I love it when they check my reflexes. It feels good to have someone touch my arms, legs and feet. They will continue this all night, until 4 am when they will finally take me off of the magnesium. All of my family and Pete’s family came to visit tonight. It was exhausting. I only had one person in the room at a time. We talked about how I was feeling and I wanted to know what thoughts they were feeling as well. We keep getting more and more flowers. Our room is starting to smell like a floral shop. That night I had a hard time going to sleep. I just want to leave this hospital. I am losing my mind. I just want to sleep in my own bed. Pete did a great job to distract me. He gave me a back massage and he also made finger puppets that he portrayed on the ceiling with the flashlight on his phone. I love my husband. He is always there for me. I was finally able to calm down and to go to sleep.” From Pete: “I showered while Rosann was on the mag and the shower was amazing! I hadn’t taken a shower since Sunday. The other thing that happened later was they gave me a steak and eggs breakfast. I guess it is tradition for hospitals to give new fathers a steak meal… I didn’t know this was the case until later that evening when our families visited. While our families visited I spent time with them. The nurses were so nice and set up a waiting area for all of us in the hospital’s old nursery. They brought us a complimentary snack cart for both families. It really was just nice to have that family support there. While my father visited Rosann, I told my dad I was having a difficult time with the whole situation and he gave me a father’s blessing. I was so grateful for my dad and his being worthy to give me priesthood blessings. It was a blessing of comfort and I felt a lot of peace. Also, while our families were there, I showed them the moldings the nurses made of little Aubrey’s feet and hands. They were so adorable.”
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There is a very sweet poem on a plaque there too. Apparently deer live in the cemetery. We saw one in the distance. There is a very sweet spirit here. I cried a lot. You never picture yourself leaving the hospital after delivering a child to go visit the cemetery where you will have to bury that child. Trials are a part of life, but losing a child is the hardest trial I’ve ever had to endure. I miss my little Aubrey so much already. I was so excited when I found out that I was pregnant. Pete and I have wanted childre
n so badly. We have a daughter now, but she only lived an hour before returning to heaven. I can’t wait to see her again. When we arrived home, we found that our friends had helped pack our things! We are moving in a week and were stressed about how we were going to get everything packed. We also found that several people had dropped off cards of comfort and support. It really made us realize that when other people go through hard trials, that it is so important that we are there for them. It really meant a lot to us. We knelt down and prayed, thanking our Heavenly Father for our many blessings.
